Dear Paul, if you forget to take your piriteze I will explode snot and turn inside out in a wholly grotesque manner. Sincerely, your face.
Plating golf in that heat was not a good idea. And was totally responsible for my playing like an idiot. Not my massive ineptitude of course
My day today seems to consist of sweating, sweating and some more sweating. I think I could use some variety. Maybe I’ll perspire later.
Thank god for that. Has Henman been teaching him how to put people through the wrangler?
Of course ITV have put Wimbledon on. They reached into their Bag of Obviousness and it didn’t fail to deliver.
Who needs holidays when you can toil all day in a sweaty office before getting into a car that was clearly parked in Satan’s asshole all day
Amelie Mauresmo may be the scariest thing in the entire universe. I’ll be having nightmares tonight.
Pull your finger out Murray or I may have to relegate you from British to Scottish.
Oh I’m soooo happy to be back at work. I may express my happiness by taking a shotgun to my temple.
About to watch Valkyrie. A bit of one-eyed-Nazi-defector-murder-plotting is so much better on a Sunday evening than Last of the Summer Wine.
Richard Hammond’s transformation into Dudley Moore is very nearly complete. Go Dudders!
Had a bit of Fry with Top Gear, now time for a bit of Laurie with House. You see what I did there? A bit of Fry and Laurie see! Ah forget it
So, anyone else now thinking of downloading grindr out of sheer curiosity? Just me? Damn that @stephenfry
Having a full breakfast for once. Tea, toast, egg, bacon, sausage and a muffin. Compared to my normal which consists of coffee and a smoke.
Watching In Bruges for the bazillionth time. L-fucking-ove it.
My brain’s itchy. Can a brain itch? Well mine does. Might take a tin opener to my skull so I can get in there and scratch around.
Aaaahhh beer and pizza. Could I be any more of a cliché? Frankly, I don’t care.
First beer has now been cracked open, instantly making this a successful evening.
Wetherby. My new ‘if I won the lottery I’m moving here’ town. http://twitpic.com/8kkfr
At Tropical World in Leeds http://twitpic.com/8k6pa
Cue many faux-Russian accents http://twitpic.com/8k6tu
Damn hayfever. Didn’t get a wink of sleep because my head declared mutiny on me.
Bagels! Bagels will wake me up. I don’t know how but at least it’s an excuse to eat bagels.
Fun With Dick and Jane - Well if you don’t know what I’m going to say by now them forget it #samenamenewpitch
In Bed with Madonna - An investigation as to why Africa has agreed to sell an entire generation to the muscular nutcase #samenamenewpitch
Green Street - Hooligans react badly to their neighbours’ calls for them to recycle their Special Brew cans #samenamenewpitch
Now I’ve spammed everyone’s feed it’s off to bed. Sorry, but if just one of those raised a smile… then it wasn’t really worth it. Jerks.
Two and a Half Men - Politically incorrect twins take the piss out of their dwarf mate #samenamenewpitch
The Deer Hunter - Following Dick Cheney as he “mistakenly” massacres 50 people on a hunting trip #samenamenewpitch
Pretty Woman - An ironic Susan Boyle biopic #samenamenewpitch
Snatch - An two-hour, avant-garde close-up of a vagina #samenamenewpitch
The Wire - The struggles of a pensioner paying his £5.63 of petrol by debit card #samenamenewpitch
Six Feet Under - A 24 hour feed of inside a buried casket. Bound to get more viewers than BB #samenamenewpitch
Mind ‘er - A street in the north tries to cope with their psychopath neighbour Mary #samenamenewpitch
Brookside - Kelly Brook walks sideways from Land’s End to John O’Groats #samenamenewpitch
Sweden have pulled 2 back, shit. Don’t fuck it up now.
I’m sure David Platt is the lovechild of Miguel Ferrer and a camel.
Bah! Headache from cleaning house. Another reason to live in our own filth. How many headaches do you get from that? None. That’s how many.
Come on, U21s 3-0 up. Final here we come.
FFS, now 3-3. Get it together!!
RT @screenrant: BREAKING: Johnny Depp is not dead
#followfriday @SaileshR Another nice guy which is all-too-rare. Follow him, you won’t be disappointed.
#followfriday @tdotwells On here too infrequently of late, but when he does his tweets are solid gold. Plus it’s his birthday today.
#followfriday Other assorted folk who are all awesome @CMoz @Gay_Burns @Gem_W @JamieRoss7 @Jook @Live_for_Films @luque89 @lyraelson
#followfriday @paulson500 Quality conversations and one of the nice guys.
#followfriday @geekgirl444 Quite happy to entertain surreal conversations, also hilarious.
#followfriday @davesusetty Very funny guy. Actually makes me roflmao, and I don’t just roflmao for anyone.
#followfriday @Mr603 @nik_kee_dee @pd1001 @PortiaFendeman @ricey80 @RichNeville @simonbeard @stephenhallam
#followfriday @loulou290 Great girl who was solely responsible for my posting of crap pics earlier this week. Vent your fury to her ;)
#followfriday @onegreatshot Tends to think along the same lines I do. God help him…